‘Allo ‘Allo! Europe’s leaders get together dans Paris for emergency sommet | John Crace

Emmanuel Macron

:

Bienvenu

á Paris

.

Keir Starmer

:

Bonjour, Monsieur le President

. Thank you for organising this “once-in-a-generation” summit at such short notice.

Macron

: Relax,

mon vieux muckeur

. No need for formalities just yet. We won’t get started for half an hour or so. Let’s just have a chat first.

Starmer

: How do you mean?

Macron

:

Homme

á homme

. Strictly

entre nous

. Forget the diplomatic niceties for once …

Starmer

: OK.

Macron

: So, what did you make of the Munich Security Conference?

Starmer

: I always guessed it would be a disaster. That’s why I gave it a miss …

Macron

:

Bon appel

. You dodged a bullet. Imagine having to sit there while the oafish JD Vance slags us all off. Tells us we’re all finished as a civilisation and we’re on our own now. Doesn’t even think Ukraine should have a say in its own peace deal.

Starmer

:

Dis-moi

about it. I’m getting that kind of

merde

at home from Kemi Mauvaisenoch. Only this

matin

she was telling some rightwing convention

á Londres

that the real war the west was facing was against diversity and equalities. This at a

temps quand

the Russians are literally killing scores of Ukrainians each day. She keeps

disant que

she is

disant

the unsayable. She hasn’t yet realised that nobody is stopping her saying anything.

Macron

:

Vraiment, elle est un demi

-wit …

Starmer

:

Plus comme un quartier-wit

.

Macron

:

Tu me crack en haut

, Keir.

Starmer

: No one has ever said that to me before …

Olaf Scholz

:

Guten tag, alles

.

Macron

:

Comment vas-tu, Olaf?

Scholz

: I’m

encore souffrant

from PTSD

auf M

ünchen

. Still struggling to believe

que ca

idiot Vance can go to Dachau and the one chose il learns from the experience is that

Allemagne

needs to vote for the far-right Alternative für Deutschland in

prochaine semaine’s

elections.

Macron

:

Ça c’etait incroyable

.

Scholz

:

Oui

. It

presque

makes me glad I’m going to be out of power soon. No longer having to deal with

ces personnes

will be

un grand relief

.

Starmer

: I know

quoi tu veux dire

. David Lammy was telling me the UK got a long lecture on cancelling elections and religious freedoms.

C’est comme

we have

tous

stepped through the looking-glass. It was only four years ago Donald Trump was inciting people to march on the Capitol building to overturn an election that had been legitimately won by the Democrats. All we have done is delayed some elections because the council seats won’t exist in a year’s time.

Macron

: It’s depressing,

n’est-ce pas?

Comme marchant

dans (à travers?)

treacle. Talking of which, how much glue do you think Le Donald uses

dans ses cheveux

?

Chaque fois

I look at

lui

, I get mesmerised.

Starmer

: It’s the colour of his

peau

that gets

moi

. I don’t know how I am going to get through my

visage á visage

with him in Washington next week. I just find myself staring and wondering if

il pense que le reste

of us are weird for not spending hours under a sunbed each day.

Scholz

: I am so glad you both said that. Those are precisely

les pens

ées

that I have, too. But I

toujours

feel I have to keep them to myself. I long to ask him what he sees when he looks in the

miroir

.

Macron

: We should have these informal

rendez-vous plus souvent

. It’s good to share this stuff.

Monde

leader to

monde

leader. Anyway,

bonne chance

in America next week, Keir. I doubt I will be

voyant Le Donald

any time

à bientôt

. He doesn’t

aime les

Français

that

beaucoup

. We tend to say what we think about him.

Starmer

: Don’t think he likes the Brits much, either. He certainly doesn’t have much time for the Labour party. But I have

choisi de

flatter him whenever possible. Not that it has done much good. Congratulate him for having noticed there were wars going on that no one else had noticed. How we had all missed the conflicts in Gaza and Ukraine …

Macron

: OK, mes amis.

Les autres sont arriv

ées

. Let’s get on to

le sommet officiel

.

Starmer

:

Bonne id

ée

.

Macron

: It is time for Europe to step up. We can no longer count on American support in maintaining peace and security in the west.

Starmer

:

Pas si vite

. The UK is willing to be a

pont entre

the US and Europe.

Donald Tusk

: How would that

marcher

?

Macron

: Keir goes grovelling to Washington, promises everyone will spend more on defence and then Trump does exactly what he was going to do in the first place.

Scholz

: And what would that be?

Macron

:

Personne

knows.

Pas

même Le Donald

. That’s why we’ve got to be prepared to look after ourselves.

Tusk

: I agree. We can no longer assume the US is a reliable member of Nato. If Trump walks

comme un canard

, quacks

comme un canard

, then

il est probablement un canard

. He has decided his interests are more aligned with Russia. He is on the side of dictators. That’s why the US and Russia are busy carving up Ukraine in Saudia Arabia.

Giorgia Meloni

: I think a little fascism-lite can be

molto attraente

.

Macron

:

Tuez-moi, maintenant

. Whose idea was it to invite Italy?

Everyone

: Yours.

Starmer

: Let’s not be so defeatist. I’m prepared to increase defence spending to 2.5% of GDP …

Tusk

: Trump is demanding 5% …

Starmer

: Well, it’s a start. And the UK is willing to put troops on the

terre

as a peacekeeping force in Ukraine.

Macron

:

Combien?

Starmer

: I’m not sure. At least 20.

Tusk

: Well, count Poland out.

Macron

: No point

pleurant

over spilt

lait

. May I conclude by saying that this

sommet

has been

un grand succ

és

? Europe has never been so united.

Donald Trump

: There’s nothing better than watching Europe burn, baby, burn.

Vladimir Putin

: I love it when you talk dirty.