‘Allo ‘Allo! Europe’s leaders get together dans Paris for emergency sommet | John Crace
Emmanuel Macron
:Bienvenu
á Paris
.
Keir Starmer
:Bonjour, Monsieur le President
. Thank you for organising this “once-in-a-generation” summit at such short notice.
Macron
: Relax,mon vieux muckeur
. No need for formalities just yet. We won’t get started for half an hour or so. Let’s just have a chat first.
Starmer
: How do you mean?
Macron
:Homme
á homme
. Strictlyentre nous
. Forget the diplomatic niceties for once …
Starmer
: OK.
Macron
: So, what did you make of the Munich Security Conference?
Starmer
: I always guessed it would be a disaster. That’s why I gave it a miss …
Macron
:Bon appel
. You dodged a bullet. Imagine having to sit there while the oafish JD Vance slags us all off. Tells us we’re all finished as a civilisation and we’re on our own now. Doesn’t even think Ukraine should have a say in its own peace deal.
Starmer
:Dis-moi
about it. I’m getting that kind ofmerde
at home from Kemi Mauvaisenoch. Only thismatin
she was telling some rightwing conventioná Londres
that the real war the west was facing was against diversity and equalities. This at atemps quand
the Russians are literally killing scores of Ukrainians each day. She keepsdisant que
she isdisant
the unsayable. She hasn’t yet realised that nobody is stopping her saying anything.
Macron
:Vraiment, elle est un demi
-wit …
Starmer
:Plus comme un quartier-wit
.
Macron
:Tu me crack en haut
, Keir.
Starmer
: No one has ever said that to me before …
Olaf Scholz
:Guten tag, alles
.
Macron
:Comment vas-tu, Olaf?
Scholz
: I’mencore souffrant
from PTSDauf M
ünchen
. Still struggling to believeque ca
idiot Vance can go to Dachau and the one chose il learns from the experience is thatAllemagne
needs to vote for the far-right Alternative für Deutschland inprochaine semaine’s
elections.
Macron
:Ça c’etait incroyable
.
Scholz
:Oui
. Itpresque
makes me glad I’m going to be out of power soon. No longer having to deal withces personnes
will beun grand relief
.
Starmer
: I knowquoi tu veux dire
. David Lammy was telling me the UK got a long lecture on cancelling elections and religious freedoms.C’est comme
we havetous
stepped through the looking-glass. It was only four years ago Donald Trump was inciting people to march on the Capitol building to overturn an election that had been legitimately won by the Democrats. All we have done is delayed some elections because the council seats won’t exist in a year’s time.
Macron
: It’s depressing,n’est-ce pas?
Comme marchant
dans (à travers?)
treacle. Talking of which, how much glue do you think Le Donald usesdans ses cheveux
?Chaque fois
I look atlui
, I get mesmerised.
Starmer
: It’s the colour of hispeau
that getsmoi
. I don’t know how I am going to get through myvisage á visage
with him in Washington next week. I just find myself staring and wondering ifil pense que le reste
of us are weird for not spending hours under a sunbed each day.
Scholz
: I am so glad you both said that. Those are preciselyles pens
ées
that I have, too. But Itoujours
feel I have to keep them to myself. I long to ask him what he sees when he looks in themiroir
.
Macron
: We should have these informalrendez-vous plus souvent
. It’s good to share this stuff.Monde
leader tomonde
leader. Anyway,bonne chance
in America next week, Keir. I doubt I will bevoyant Le Donald
any timeà bientôt
. He doesn’taime les
Français
thatbeaucoup
. We tend to say what we think about him.
Starmer
: Don’t think he likes the Brits much, either. He certainly doesn’t have much time for the Labour party. But I havechoisi de
flatter him whenever possible. Not that it has done much good. Congratulate him for having noticed there were wars going on that no one else had noticed. How we had all missed the conflicts in Gaza and Ukraine …
Macron
: OK, mes amis.Les autres sont arriv
ées
. Let’s get on tole sommet officiel
.
Starmer
:Bonne id
ée
.
Macron
: It is time for Europe to step up. We can no longer count on American support in maintaining peace and security in the west.
Starmer
:Pas si vite
. The UK is willing to be apont entre
the US and Europe.
Donald Tusk
: How would thatmarcher
?
Macron
: Keir goes grovelling to Washington, promises everyone will spend more on defence and then Trump does exactly what he was going to do in the first place.
Scholz
: And what would that be?
Macron
:Personne
knows.Pas
même Le Donald
. That’s why we’ve got to be prepared to look after ourselves.
Tusk
: I agree. We can no longer assume the US is a reliable member of Nato. If Trump walkscomme un canard
, quackscomme un canard
, thenil est probablement un canard
. He has decided his interests are more aligned with Russia. He is on the side of dictators. That’s why the US and Russia are busy carving up Ukraine in Saudia Arabia.
Giorgia Meloni
: I think a little fascism-lite can bemolto attraente
.
Macron
:Tuez-moi, maintenant
. Whose idea was it to invite Italy?
Everyone
: Yours.
Starmer
: Let’s not be so defeatist. I’m prepared to increase defence spending to 2.5% of GDP …
Tusk
: Trump is demanding 5% …
Starmer
: Well, it’s a start. And the UK is willing to put troops on theterre
as a peacekeeping force in Ukraine.
Macron
:Combien?
Starmer
: I’m not sure. At least 20.
Tusk
: Well, count Poland out.
Macron
: No pointpleurant
over spiltlait
. May I conclude by saying that thissommet
has beenun grand succ
és
? Europe has never been so united.
Donald Trump
: There’s nothing better than watching Europe burn, baby, burn.
Vladimir Putin
: I love it when you talk dirty.